How to Ditch Perfectionism
A big reason why people procrastinate is the perfectionism tendency
I used to view perfectionism as something I was proud of.
I told myself and others that it is necessary to aim for excellence.
I was confusing perfectionism with excellence.
The thing is that you can aim for excellence in all things without the unhealthy perfectionism tendency.
Perfectionism is the expectancy from yourself that you need to be perfect at all things. Perfectionism does not tolerate making mistakes. Perfectionism is ready to show up only when everything is perfected. Perfectionism waits for circumstances to be perfect for taking action. In reality, such a condition as perfect seldom exists. We are imperfect humans living in an imperfect world.
Perfectionism is a belief that our value is dependent on our achievements.
But in reality, perfectionism blocks us from taking meaningful action towards the necessary things.
“Perfectionism is just a fear in very good shoes.”
Perfectionism is a fear of not being good enough.
Perfectionism is the fear of failure.
Because a perfectionist over identifies themself with mistakes and failure.
I have been there myself, where I would fall almost into depression about mistakes I made and failures I experienced because I thought that if I make a mistake, that makes me a failure as a person.
But making a mistake or even experiencing a failure in your life does not mean you are a failure. The only way how you can become a failure is if you stop trying, growing, learning, and taking chances.
Because success is always one step further than failure.
What characterizes a perfectionist?
Unrealistically high standards
Perfectionists have very high goals, which is something to congratulate themselves on. However, perfectionists lack the ability to celebrate small wins along the road. They feel as if they can only pat themselves on the shoulder if they have achieved the final goal. And with big goals, it does take time.
The reason they get unmotivated along the road, procrastinate or avoid taking action is the fear of not being able to achieve that big goal. Simply because of the great demands they demand from themselves.
Fear of Failure
As I already mentioned, perfectionists become so afraid of experiencing a failure that this fear often paralyzes them from taking action. They fear that making a mistake or a failure will expose their weakness and show others that they are not good enough.
However, this is wrong as failure does not define us, and our worth is not based on our achievements or the lack of them.
Procrastination
Perfectionists procrastinate very often. The reason for this is the fear of failure that I just mentioned. The fear of making a mistake and feeling inadequate (not good enough) are just too high of a stake to risk taking action. Instead, perfectionists feel like they always need to prepare more, work more, get to know more before taking the necessary action.
However, the truth is that such perfection never comes, so they always stay in the “getting ready” stage. The cure is to truly understand with every cell of your being that, messy action is the best action.
Inner critic
The loud inner critic that always judges and criticizes oneself is especially aloud for perfectionists. This inner critic will always remind you of times when you have failed, made a mistake, said something incorrectly, or were not good enough. Have not been perfect.
Inner critic works through these intrusive thoughts that make perfectionists constantly worry about how they show up in the world and whether what they do is enough. Making peace with your inner critic and stopping letting him rule over your thoughts is the solution for this one.
Overworking
Since perfectionists constantly strive for perfection, they also tend to be overworking. They feel like they don’t deserve the rest until perfection has not been achieved.
They are more likely to neglect important steps for their physical, mental, and emotional health, such as enough sleep, a day-off, quality time with loved ones, etc. They feel like the harder they work, the more successful they will be, but they don’t see the border for when this “hard work” is just an aim for perfection.
My Story
These things have been something I have struggled with big time.
One example is that I have been struggling a lot with procrastination and self-doubt when starting my coaching business. I felt like I needed to be perfect in my knowledge, experience, the way I speak, the way I show up, the way I look, my financial situation, etc. before I could start my coaching business.
From the first moment I learned about building a mindset coaching business online, I knew that was my thing. Because I love everything mindset-, psychology-, neuroscience-related and I love helping people grow and develop themselves. And one of my greatest desires is to have a freedom-based lifestyle through which I see I can fulfill my purpose the best.
However, I procrastinated a ton. And procrastination is not being lazy and not doing anything. Procrastination is keeping yourself busy with other things that, unfortunately, don’t move the needle.
Before starting, I tried to do every possible business idea that didn’t feel so much out of my comfort zone. I tried to do drop-shipping, e-commerce, different freelancer project, etc. Things that, in a way, fulfilled my desire of having a freedom-based lifestyle. But they didn’t fulfill my main desires — help others grow and develop themselves. That did not include my passion for mindset, psychology, and neuroscience.
If I look back now to that time, then I can say that taking messy action would have been much better than wasting time with things that I knew were not fully mine deep inside.
Things to do to overcome perfectionism
Unconditional self-worth
Work on realizing that you have unconditional self-worth that is not based upon your achievements or the lack of them. Your worth is already in you and within you from when you were in your mother’s womb. There is nothing that can change that. This worth precedes everything you do.
It takes a total mindset shift to start seeing things this way. However, when you realize that there are so many lies that we have learned growing up from society, media, the achievement culture, etc., you learn to separate the truth from the lies easily.
One of the greatest lies is that “Your value is based upon your achievements.”
When you genuinely embrace your unconditional worth, you also can achieve your goals far more effortlessly.
Shift the way how you perceive failure
Stop defining yourself with mistakes and temporary failures. Remember that failure is always temporary, and it does not define your worth or mean anything for your ability to achieve success in the future. Unless you quit and stop trying, growing, and learning, you are never a failure. Even if you make 1000 mistakes before you get things right the 1001st time.
Instead, learn to see how many blessings can come along the failure. Without those, you wouldn’t get to the next level in your life, even if that is just a simple lesson of how to avoid the same mistake next time. That lesson can be far more valuable than other things you lose because of the mistake.
Heal the parts of you that feel insecure and hurt
Inner healing work is far more critical than we have thought so far. It is kind of a work where we come to terms with ourselves. With our own shadows, traumas, disempowering emotions, the reasons why we are like we are, and instead of suppressing all that and pretending that everything is fine in our lives and we always feel good, we boldly face our past.
Certain events in our lives — bigger or smaller traumas — things we have experienced in our childhood, school years, early adolescent years that have hurt us. That have made us feel a certain way and believe certain things.
For example, very demanding parents who always asked for good grades in school might have made the child feel like his or her worth is based upon the results (achievements).
Or a divorce in the family that has ended, for example, with the dad leaving, most likely has caused the wound of abandonment in the child. Unless those bigger or smaller traumas are not acknowledged and healed, we continue living out the beliefs we formed through those experiences.
A child who has felt abandonment continues to expect that in future relationships, especially romantic ones. That expectation based on the belief, “I am not worthy — people abandon me,” sabotages the opportunities to form healthy relationships until it is healed.
Working with a professional expert — a therapist or a trauma-informed coach can help with this significantly.
Self-love and self-acceptance
Growing in how you love yourself and learning to accept yourself fully wipes away the unhealthy perfectionism.
Think about it, would you be as critical, judgmental, and demanding to your best friend or a loved one as you are towards yourself?
No?
Then why would you be like this to yourself?
You deserve no less of the love you are giving to others. In fact, you love others better when you love yourself.
One great way to improve self-love is by noticing things you do good and praising yourself for those, even if they are minor everyday tasks.
If you have also been held back by these self-sabotaging tendencies, such as perfectionism, self-doubt, people-pleasing, etc., and you are ready to let go of those so you can step fully into your power and take inspired action towards your goals, then book a free consultation call with me (20-30 min)!
