A Transformative Guide to Changing the Single Most Limiting Self-Belief
How I changed my self-image from “I am not good enough” to “I am worthy.”
Originally published in Medium publication Ascent.
As acknowledged by the #1 Britain's therapist Marissa Peer, many problems come down to one limiting belief: “I am not enough.”
The way we see ourselves determines a lot — the quality of choices we will make, the quality of relationships we will have, our financial well-being, and whether we will chase after our dreams or stay in the “I don’t know if I can” zone.
I had a problem with low self-esteem for most of my teenage years and the first half of my 20s. I did not see myself as worthy and good enough and, therefore, deserving of success. And I was completely unaware of that for most of those years.
I often tried to win others’ admiration by sacrificing my wishes and desires to please people. Whenever I didn’t get approval from others, I considered that to be my fault — I needed to do better. In other words, — “not good enough.”
However, during the past few years, things have changed radically. I am quick to notice toxic thoughts and situations that would stem from the old mindset of “not good enough.”
I don’t allow situations or people to make me feel “not good enough” anymore. Changing my self-image improved my results professionaly, financially and that improved all my relationships with others.
I am confident that it is not what other people say or do to us, but how we react to it. It is our choice what thoughts we choose to think. Our acceptance of toxic thoughts is what makes us feel low, not the people or situations.
As cognitive neuroscientist Dr. Carolina Leaf writes, what we believe about ourselves, alters the facts.
Balance Disclaimer
I will note in the beginning that balance in all things is necessary. Also, in how much we do for others and how much we take care of our needs and desires.
One of our lives’ ultimate purposes is to serve others to make this world a better place. Humility and selflessness are still some of my top values and always will be.
However, people with low self-esteem don’t allow themselves to be happy. They are okay to miss out on better pay or the valuable time they need, just so that others feel satisfied.
I want to call it selfishness. Because when people try to please others and do something to get their approval; in reality, they try to satisfy their ego. They want to get the feeling of “others are satisfied with me.”
However, when we show up in the world with the best version of ourselves, we will help and inspire others more.
Scientific Basis of Limiting Beliefs
According to a publication in “Brain and Cognition,” beliefs are the neuropsychic product of fundamental brain processes that attribute effective meaning to concrete objects and events, enabling individual goal-setting, decision-making, and maneuvering in the environment.
Beliefs are thoughts that have been repeated more than just once.Whenever we experience a situation, we form thoughts, emotions, attitudes about that. That all material gets written in our brain by the neural connections that are created.
Neurons fire up and wire up and form neural pathways of positive or negative beliefs in our brain.
Dr. Joe Dispenza says it very well — “your brain is a record of everything you have experienced in your life.”
The good news is that we are not conditioned for the rest of our lives to live with negative and limiting beliefs.
The fantastic scientific concept of neuroplasticity comes in handy. Brain plasticity means that beliefs are subject to modification by new information.
The more you reinforce the new information, the greater the new neural highways you are building.
And neural connections you don’t strengthen by thinking specific thoughts become less and less dominant as time goes on.
Imagine how your life would look like if you could build a six-lane neural highway of the core belief: “I am good enough” in your brain? Imagine the confidence, peace of mind, and happiness you would experience! It is possible!
Where the Belief “I Am Not Good Enough” Comes From
According to clinical therapist Dr. Sheri Jacobson, most of the core beliefs are formed when we are children. The most common trace to the root of the “I am not good enough” belief comes from not receiving the appropriate love and affection from their caregivers (parents).
Suppose kids don’t experience peace, love, and harmony in their family environment that they need. In that case, they subconsciously try to fix it themselves by trying to be a better kid.
Sometimes it doesn’t even need to be a continued experience. According to psychotherapist Mel Schwartz, it can be just one embarrassing event or hurtful statement that reduces our personality’s potential to a narrow, restricted self-image.
Dr. Karyl McBride also states in Psychology Today, that parents in dysfunctional families may project onto their children their bad feelings and failures.
Hurtful experiences in our early years leave remarkable footprints. However, we can change our lives by changing our thoughts and changing our limiting beliefs.
My beliefs mostly became internalized in my years of attending Kindergarten and school.
My brightest memory in Kindergarten is about how other children wanted to be friends with me when it was my birthday because I had candies. Rest of the year, I was not accepted.
No wonder I felt that “I am good only when I have something tangible to give to others, not just by being who I am.”
Taking my Kindergarten lesson, I didn’t let anything like that happen in my Elementary School years. I played the confident and unshakable girl, so much that classmates started to call me “iron lady.”
Things flipped again when I changed schools in Middle School, and all my shyness and insecurities rushed up to the surface. I stayed as the shy and quiet one of the class until the end of High School.
It is hard even to say if classmates did not understand me and did not accept me because I didn’t let them close to me, or I didn’t let them close because I felt rejected by them. Probably it was a mix & match.
The insecurities in school and my classmates’ lack of acceptance were intensified by family dramas, mainly because of my father's drinking problem.
Studies show how a father’s drinking problems affect children: it can raise guilt, anxiety, embarrassment, confusion, anger, depression, and an inability to form close relationships.
That all was enough to play out the belief “, I am not good enough” in every possible field of my life, from relationships with friends to finances and professional results.
How the Belief “I Am Not Good Enough” Manifests in Our Lives
Looking back now at how I thought and acted in certain situations, I see patterns of how negative self-image plays out and impacts every area of our lives. I summarized the effects of the limiting belief “I am not good enough” on some of the most significant areas of our lives.
Finances
When you sabotage yourself with negative self-talk about money, it means you don’t feel worthy enough to earn a lot.
“Limiting belief, “I am not good enough,” attracts scarcity in finances.”
It manifests in either being okay with average wage when your performance is actually above average or getting satisfied with little results in performance-based-pay jobs.
When you feel “not good enough” you will also have low expectations when it comes to what you should earn. If someone else receives good financial results, you will sabotage yourself with negative self-talk — “I could never do that. I am not as smart as he/she is.”
You might be afraid to search for a better, well-paying job because you don’t think you would have all the requirements needed to be accepted there.
People with a scarcity mindset are much more likely to live “paycheck to paycheck” rather than continually growing their income and achieving financial freedom.
Relationships
When my self-esteem was low, my relationships were hugely defined by toxicity.
I was toxic to people that I got attached to and felt they were more confident than me. Or I was likely to develop friendships with toxic people. The belief “I don’t belong in cool kids society” was hugely ingrained.
If somebody was angry with me, I always saw that as entirely my fault and tried to apologize. I didn’t perceive the possibility of another person’s fault too.
I subconsciously saw myself as the only one possible to make a mistake. And I was terrified of someone being angry at me. As that would prove, “Indeed — I am not good enough.”
I always felt guilty. If I did something, I felt guilty that it was not done well enough. If I didn’t do something, I felt guilty for not living up to somebody’s expectations.
Thinking Habits
I was often judging myself, analyzing my weaknesses, and overthinking what I should have done differently.
“Negative thoughts can be overwhelming, and if you haven’t learned yet to be aware of them, you can spend hours and days in a negative state of mind.”
Frequently when analyzing the day in the evening, instead of noticing what I did well, I was looking for things I should have said or done differently.
I saw failures as confirmations that I am not good enough — there is something wrong with me. (I still sometimes have to fight this thought, but I can quickly draw myself back to the realization that it is normal to make failures and it is part of the process to achieving goals”.)
Time Management
I was okay to sacrifice my time because of others. I was not getting done what I wanted, just so that I can fill others’ expectations.
It was hard for me to say “no” because I was afraid that people would reject me or think I am a terrible person if I don’t agree to help, volunteer, etc.
What Has Changed or What Is the Healthy Mindset?
Finances
When I have now changed my self-image from “I am not good enough” to “I am worthy,” I feel I deserve to receive adequate pay for my job.
I know I am smart and responsible. I would be a highly valuable candidate for any company that needs the skills I have.
However, I would never spend time working a job that pays me an average, for I know that I am more than average with my skills, knowledge, and work ethic.
Even two years ago, I could not imagine myself being a business owner. Now the only option I see for myself is doing a soul-aligned business.
I love myself and feel that my time is worth it. I cannot imagine myself receiving only an hourly paid job without any lasting impact.
This change of mindset incredibly changed my results professionally as well.
I had been working in an only-commission-based sales job.
Previously I got barely average sales results. However, dedicating myself to change my self-image, I finally started to get above-average results, getting to be even in the Top 5% of the company.
The growth in my sales results when I changed the “I am not good enough” belief into “I am great and worthy exactly as I am” was incredible.
Relationships
Whenever I argue with somebody, I am doing my best to evaluate what I have done wrong and what other people might have done wrong.
It is not always possible to evaluate everything 100% objectively because we always interpret situations based on our past experiences.
However, I don’t always take the whole blame upon myself. I don’t walk around with the burden of blame, judging myself why I did or said that.
I allow myself to make mistakes, and I forgive myself.
Whenever I notice that I do or have been doing something to please others or get recognition from them, I momentarily stop doing it. I realize it is an unhealthy pattern of behavior.
It has become so much easier to accept other people and build genuine friendships that satisfy the heart and soul.
Repelling Negative Thoughts
I have become attentive to notice any unhealthy thoughts about myself or the environment. I don’t allow myself to dwell on that.
I consciously choose not to engage in destructive thinking. I understand the harm it does to me, my brain, my health, and my future, vision, goals, and dreams. I find it now easy to forgive my mistakes and shortcomings.
I invest time in my goals and vision, and I make sure my thinking process aligns with these goals and vision.
Time Management
I am not any more eager to agree with everything because of fear of being rejected otherwise.
If I genuinely see that help is needed, I will see how I can tailor my schedule. However, if there is something I have promised myself to do, I might as well say “no” without feeling bad about it.
“I plan my schedule with my goals and priorities in mind. I don’t allow others to waste my time with unproductive actions, toxic thinking, and negative attitudes.”
Overall Result
As a result of it all, it has become easier to love others because I don’t act from ego anymore.
I don’t judge others as much (trying to eliminate that at all). There is a saying that the thing we judge in others is a reflection of what we don’t like in ourselves.
The more we fall in love with ourselves, the less we will judge ourselves, and therefore, others.
How Do You Change This Mental Mess?
Finally, after you have read the scientific basis of beliefs, my story, and how “I am not good enough,” thought manifests in our lives, how to change all that?
Here is my recipe, which has changed my life. To make this recipe work, you need to apply it and practice it until you see the results.
1. Write down the negative beliefs you have about yourself.
The first step to change is being aware of the problem you have. Be mindful of the thoughts you think.
As defined by mindfulness expert Jon Kabat-Zinn, mindfulness is purposefully paying attention to thoughts and emotions without judgment. With time and practice, mindfulness allows people to no longer live on auto-pilot as prisoners of their minds.
Observe your thoughts for a week. Be very attentive to every detail you say or think. Notice, but do not judge. Please write it down in notes on your phone or notebook.
Here are examples of thoughts that hide underneath the “I am not good enough” blueprint:
Beliefs about yourself:
“I can never be as good as he/she is.”
“I always mess it up.”
“It is all my fault.”
“I am never as good communicator or an interesting person like others.”
“If only I had been smarter, then…”
“If only I would be more beautiful…”
“I don’t deserve good things.”
“People always misunderstand me.”
“I always make that mistake.”
“It is just like me to… (something negative)”
“I need to prove to others who I am and what I can do. Then they will accept me.”
“I don’t deserve anything for free unless I prove that I have earned it.”
“I never fit in.”
Worst of all: “I am so stupid.”
“I am a failure at everything.”
Beliefs concerning other people:
“I am always being used.”
“People don’t appreciate me.”
“Nobody loves me.”
“I can’t trust people.”
“They only call me when they want something from me.”
“There are very few trustworthy people in the world.”
“World is a dangerous place.”
Beliefs about the environment:
“Such things always happen to me!”
“I am just unlucky!”
“The world is not fair.”
“I am just born in not the right family/right town/right country!”
“If only I had opportunities like others do…”
“I don’t have the right people in my life.”
“I just can’t find a job with a positive environment.”
When I first did this exercise, I felt it wasn’t easy to notice these thoughts. I had so much grown along with them, and they seemed to be natural.
After all, mindfulness is not easy if you have never practiced it before. But just like any other skill — you become better at it as you practice more.
I had the core belief of being not good enough, and it resulted in daily automatic thoughts.
However, I focused and analyzed myself at the end of the day, looking for unhealthy thoughts I had thought or said during the day.
I was also looking for those moments when I was putting myself down in front of others.
For example, when we hear compliments from people, what do we reply?
“That’s nothing special.”
“I could have done better.”
These are some of the common answers of people who don’t feel good enough.
2. What was the first time when you experienced it?
When you have written down most of your negative thoughts throughout the week, let’s try to think about the moment when you first felt like that.
Can you think of the moment or situation when you first felt like that? What happened in that situation? How would you look at this situation differently, knowing what you know now?
For me, I felt like I needed to earn my worth. First time I felt like that in Kindergarten when all the other kids were around me and wanted to be friends with me only on my birthday when I had candies with me. Rest of the days, I was bullied and ridiculed.
When I look back to it now, it seems such a foolish thing to worry about. Those kids were just Kindergarteners — not conscious about how they make others feel.
However, the potential of such silly situations making an impact that lasts for decades and sometimes even a lifetime unless we solve it is undoubtedly horrifying.
“When we realize that the foundation for that negative belief is somehow irrational, the limiting belief loses its’ power.”
You can look at it with the eyes of today: a matured and healthy mindset.
Now you know that your unhealthy thinking pattern and attitude towards yourself started in a very subjective and silly place.
3. Change the lies into positive self-talk.
Now is the most responsible task of this exercise — create new affirmations that are a direct opposite of the limiting affirmation you had told yourself through the years.
Write down why you and your life matter. Write down what you can contribute to the world and why your life is unique and special.
Such as,
“I am worthy.”
“I am valuable.”
“My time is valuable.”
“My life has a purpose and meaning.”
“I love myself.”
“I am no more or no less valuable than others.”
“I don’t need to be perfect — I am good enough exactly as I am.”
“I am exactly where I need to be.”
“I create my own life, and I am not a product of circumstances.”
“Failure is temporary, and with patience, I will achieve success.”
“I have skills and talents and a wonderful personality to give to the world.”
“I am confident.”
4. Create your self-talk paper.
Please print out the affirmations you have written and laminate the paper.
Use the affirmations every morning, and possibly throughout the days as well.
I started to see noticeable changes in my thinking after 2–2,5 months of using these phrases every morning.
My positive core belief now is noticeably more substantial than the negative.
So much that whenever someone would make me feel not worthy, I notice that right away and reject that feeling and those thoughts.
It feels amazing! It feels like I have the power not to let anyone bring me down! It feels like a shield of confidence and positivity against every negative attack, whether through circumstances or people.
Fight Disclaimer
Although this process sounds easy when written like this, be ready to fight for your new beliefs.
First few weeks and a month are the most challenging as thoughts truly rage war inside of us. Even though you consciously believe the new information, your subconscious mind still wants to play out scenarios it has been used to.
You might feel tempted to fall back into victimhood, lose motivation, or have a strong feeling of “This just does not work for me!”
Realize that if you have been thinking these limiting beliefs for 10–15 or even just five years of life, it will take more than only a few days or weeks to change it.
There will be moments when using the new self-talk will feel silly, and you will still see circumstances that want to “confirm” why you are not worthy, just like in the past.
But you need to fight it!
My best advice is to not even engage with those previous limiting thoughts. Be furious about sticking to only the thoughts written in your new self-talk. If a thought does not match with it, simply ignore it!
“Be silly, irrational, and childish to stubbornly stick to one truth — a truth that you are worthy and good enough.”
Refuse to play games with the old way of thinking.
Tips to Get Results Faster
To get the results faster, I suggest you play a visualization game to overwrite memories.
Imagine yourself being already a person according to these new, healthy beliefs.
How would you feel and act differently in different situations in your past and present moments? How would you act? What would you say and think afterward? How would you overcome those situations with confidence and grace? How does it look like when you walk into the room? What are others saying about you?
You can’t turn back and change the past, but you can change your future by limiting the effect these limiting beliefs have on your brain, mind, soul, and personality.
You can do this visualization exercise daily when you take a moment to analyze your day each evening.
What happened and how you reacted?
Did you still respond out of the old pattern?
If yes, then play out this situation differently — with your new belief.
As I do this exercise, I imagine myself acting out in a new way in a painful situation. That gives me confidence and step-by-step changes my self-image.
Visualization is an incredible tool because our subconscious mind cannot tell the difference between real experience or vividly imagined experience.
The more we have positive experiences, the quicker we will override the profoundly ingrained negative beliefs. Therefore, we can speed track that by visualizing ourselves in positive situations.
Bonus Tip — Add Emotions!
Systematic behavioral research shows that affective states profoundly influence cognitive functions. Our beliefs are altered in response to strong emotions.
Whenever you have told yourself: “I am not good enough,” it has been attached with emotions of guilt, shame, powerlessness, uselessness, worthiness, and stress. Since you felt emotions at that time, that added to the intensity of belief written in your brain.
You can change it!
The best way to change it is to use the opposite self-talk and add the opposite emotion to heal these limiting beliefs.
Whenever you say yourself out loud positive affirmations, add the emotion.
Feel the joy and confidence. Imagine how it feels to be that person even if you don’t feel like that at the moment.
Don’t just monotonously repeat the phrases to checkmark your daily routine!
Now Is the Time to Act!
Beliefs can be updated by confirming or disproving new evidence.
It is not only enough to brainwash yourself each morning. You must also reinforce these beliefs with positive action. And choose your new beliefs in the process.
Thus, I want to encourage you to take action!
Look for ways to step out of your comfort zone and do something you were previously afraid of. Do public speaking, talking with someone you did not get along well with yet, learning a new skill.
If you fail at it first — remember to choose the positive self-talk — winner’s mindset instead of the old victim mindset.
That is how you will reinforce these beliefs faster. You will reconstruct them through the action and change yourself in the process!
In Conclusion
According to Corina Strosnner, beliefs are probabilistic accounts with subjective credibility.
Once you become aware of how you have thought through the years and un-mask those limiting beliefs, you realize that you no longer need to live in the prison of those beliefs and your past.
The changing of the thought “I am not good enough” is what can start the transformative change in your life.
When you change the self-talk, “I am not good enough,” into “I am worthy,” you will start to feel worthy and deserving of love, success, grace, abundance. Then it will be easier for you to notice other limiting beliefs in any area of your life and change them.
You will light that candle, which will bring light into all the room. Even more, it will spark the fire that will bring a significant change in your life.
Instead of living out of a place of victimhood, guilt, and scarcity, you will transform your life into one of confidence and positive expectations.
Self-love is the foundational anchor for changing your thought life, and self-love and acceptance are the basis for a proper “I am worthy” mindset.
The process to change the mindset of “I am not good enough” to “I am worthy” is not difficult, but it requires discipline.
“Positively reinforcing the belief “I am good enough, I am worthy” through positive self-talk and visualization will alter the neural pathways in your brain.”
When your dominant thought becomes “I am always good enough” instead of “I am not enough,” you have achieved victory. This is the victory that transforms your life and results in and out.
Do you struggle as well with feeling not good enough? Have you noticed how it holds you back in all the different areas of your life?
Do you desire a breakthrough? The strong sense of empowerment, confidence, and freedom from worrying what other people think?
Let's jump on a free consultation call because my 1: 1 coaching program, "90 Days to Confident and Courageous: You Roadmap to the Life & Business You Love," is meant to help you get from fear and being stuck to confidence and taking bold action so that you can build your dream life and business!
