Self-Forgiveness For Most People Is Harder Than To Forgive Others
Originally published in Medium publication “Better Advice”
Have you ever been judging yourself continuously about a particular mistake or a failure to do something?
If yes, you know the choking feeling it brings when you play out different scenarios in your mind about how things would have been if you did do or didn’t do something.
A lot has been talked about the necessity to forgive others but forgiving yourself seems to be an underestimated principle. Yet, it is so vital to living a life free from anxiety and shame.
Self-love and acceptance are big topics these days, yet, I feel that many people still don’t pay enough attention to those. I see a lot of people neglecting self-love and self-forgiveness. I used to do that a lot as well. That is why these topics as so precious to me.
Many people are often trying to solve relationship, professional, and personal issues solely by focusing on external factors. Yet, when we learn to love and forgive ourselves, it will shift our perspectives and mindsets, enabling us to make far more significant changes.
The Harmful Results Of Unforgiveness (Towards Ourselves)
According to therapist Keir Brady, “beating yourself up over and over again strengthens the feelings of guilt and shame and reinforces the accompanying self-belief of being a bad person.”
Beverley Engel, a psychotherapist, writes that “shame is incredibly unhealthy, causing lowered self-esteem and behavior that reinforces that self-image.”
Pay attention to “behavior that reinforces that self-image.” It means if we see ourselves as bad people, we will subconsciously sabotage our desire to change. We will keep repeating the actions that prove to us we are bad people indeed.
The popular belief is that forgiving means letting someone (including myself) off the hook, making it more likely to repeat the wrong action. Contrary to that, researches show quite the opposite.
Researches show that criminal offenders who recognize that doing bad things does not make them bad people are less likely to continue engaging in criminal activity.
The truth is that if you refuse to forgive yourself the mistakes or wrong you caused to someone, you are more likely to repeat a mistake or toxic action.
Instead, if you choose to forgive yourself by acknowledging the mistake and choosing to let go, you would free yourself from the past. It is in that freedom where a transformation process takes place.
If we don’t forgive our mistakes to ourselves, we never accept ourselves fully. There is always this deep unsatisfaction that we can never be good enough. That results in limiting beliefs about one’s abilities, skills, and talents.
In short, a prolonged unforgiveness to ourselves is an assured way to low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. On the other hand, research shows that forgiveness helps us experience better mental, emotional and physical health.
Quantum Physics Perspective
Perhaps the root issue of unforgiveness is our either-or worldview.
According to psychotherapist Mel Schwartz, our worldview is shaped by the mechanistic paradigm of Newtonian physics. In his book, The Possibility Principle, Mel Schwartz, emphasizes the damaging effects of the mechanistic worldview — a feeling of separation, need for certainty, and either-or worldview.
Because we seek certainty and predictability, we fear making mistakes.
Author and coach Emily J Hooks acknowledges that “most people were taught that all behaviors, thoughts, and feelings are either good or bad.”
That certainly causes stress and anxiety. If we make a mistake, we are bad or wrong, according to either-or worldview.
Instead of the old paradigm of a fixed being, quantum physics demonstrates to us how everything is in the process of becoming.
“In the flow of becoming, we are no longer rooted in the hardship of fear, insecurity, and concerns about mistakes.” — Mel Schwartz
It means we are not fixed to be losers and failures when we make a mistake.
A mistake does not define us.
Our choices, moment by moment, define who we are becoming as we create and shape reality with our thoughts and decisions. At any moment, we can choose to turn the direction.
Choosing to forgive ourselves is one of those decisions that can define us and empower us towards becoming a better version of ourselves.
“The process of becoming is forgiving.”
Rather than seeing everything as a static experience, as a fixed being, let’s fall in love with the process of becoming.
Tips That Can Help To Forgive Yourself
Change Perspective
Right now, today, we might feel like our mistake has ruined everything. The problem may seem enormous if we look at the timeframe of one day or one week. If we look at the time frame of a year or five years, the mistake will seem small. We might not even remember it.
Look At It As Necessary Learning Experience
Mel Schwartz writes, “the paradox is that the consequences [of the mistakes] we try so hard to avoid may be precisely what we need to experience. A mistake is simply an event, the full benefit of which we may not have come to realize.”
If we view things as either failure or success, and we have failed, we won’t see any value in our mistake. We will determine that we have failed and exclude the opportunity of growth.
If we look at it as a learning experience, we will find value in the mistakes. Even more, the value might unfold greater as time passes by.
May it be that though you caused pain to someone you love, there can be a greater connection and unification once you talk it through and forgive each other with a genuine heart? Or you may know what to avoid in your next relationship to love better?
May it be that by making your biggest financial or business mistake, you become so motivated to fix the reason you failed that you turn your biggest weakness into a strength? You might even be able to become so good at it as to teach it to others. That is how many great coaches are born.
Do you believe there can come a day soon when you look at your mistake as a blessing that taught you precisely the lesson you needed to achieve success?
Ask Yourself This Question
Ask Yourself this:
“Would you forgive that mistake to your close friend or a loved one?”
If the answer is “yes,” then how can that be that you can’t forgive yourself? Why would you ever maltreat yourself?
If the answer is “no,” then you might need to read a different article on forgiveness in general.
Self-Compassion
Kristin Neff is a professor at the University of Texas at Austin and the first one who established self-compassion as a field of study. She defines that “self-compassion honors the fact that all human beings are fallible, that wrong choices and feelings of regret are infallible.”
There comes a moment in our lives when we need to accept that perfection is not possible. Although we always should strive to improve ourselves and become better versions of ourselves, not a single person is ever free from making mistakes.
Takeaway
The meaning of self-forgiveness is to provide compassion and empathy to ourselves the same way we give it to others.
The result it brings is freedom from shame and guilt that may keep us in the prison of the past for much longer than we actually would choose to.
If you have forgiven everybody, you could, but something still does not feel alright, see if you have forgiven yourself. There is a tragic story about self-forgiveness in Josh Galarza's Ted Talk.
Unforgiveness causes emotions that can’t be neglected. If neglected, those emotions will come out in toxic ways and self-sabotaging, causing more harm, unless you deal with them by forgiving yourself.
